Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
