When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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