I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize