Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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