mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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