I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
