fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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