The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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