3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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