My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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