Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
