im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
