fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
