I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
