Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
