I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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