Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
