Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
