he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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