Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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