Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize