my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
