can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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