Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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