woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
