You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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