You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
