Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
