Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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