Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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