oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
