I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
