Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
