I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
