I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
