I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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