I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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