it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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