Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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