new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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