a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
