I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
