i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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