And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
