can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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