My sheets look like a crime scene.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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