i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
