Fuck appropriateness.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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