the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
