I think i peed on brittanys purse
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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