I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
