Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
