I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
