i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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