I wish my penis had an off switch
I want to make a zoo with you.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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