Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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