When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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