I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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