Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
