____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
