so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
