She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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