It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
