she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
