I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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