Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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