I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
