I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
